Kylo Ren's Quest
by GrantWard'sHipsterGlasses
Summary: When a stranger asks him a question, Kylo Ren is faced with the realization that if he wants to be just like his grandfather, he'll need to do a few things. However, those 'few things' may be harder to accomplish than he previously thought. (ON HIATUS WHILE BEING REWRITTEN)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ok, this is my first attempt at a longer fic and also the first one that is not yet completed! I hope others find this funny as well, and I hope that it is original. There aren't any others like it that I know of, and I've spent a lot of time browsing the Star Wars parodies. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars. Characters may be OOC for humor.**

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Chapter 1: The Quest Begins (who is that stranger, anyways?)

"Hey Kylo!" a cloaked figure whisper-shouted to Kylo Ren.

He was surprised by the sudden whisper.

"Wha- Who are you? How did you even get in here?!" he yelled, drawing his lightsaber.

The cloaked figure simply waved him off. "Eh, I won't bother you with the minor details of crossing the boundaries of reality and fiction and whatnot."

Now Kylo was confused, and a confused Kylo Ren is an angry Kylo Ren. He shifted his lightsaber to the cloaked figure's neck, or his approximation of where the neck would be, as the cloak and the shadows that the mysterious person was standing in did not help as far as eyesight went.

"Why are you here?" he repeated, his voice threateningly low. "Who are you? I won't ask again."

The mystery person remained unconcerned about the perilous position they were in. "Who am I? You can just call me 'R.' As for why I'm here, I just came to ask you something." 'R' paused for a second. "You do realize that Darth Vader returned to the light side, right? And what did he even start that you need to finish?"

Kylo was about to slash this 'R' through for having the audacity to mention the great Darth Vader, when he had a sudden thought that made him pause.

 _'R' was right. Darth Vader_ had _returned to the light in the end._ Well, if Kylo wanted to be just like his grandfather, he had a few things he needed to do...

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 **A/N 2: Well, it's shorter than I had hoped, but it is only the beginning! I don't know when the next chapter will be posted, since I haven't started on it yet, but hopefully I will have time this weekend to write. See you then! Please review, even if it is to complain about something. I would really appreciate even constructive criticism.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here is chapter 2! I hope it is ok! This is the longest I've ever written for a parody yet. The only other time I've written something long was when I attempted to write an original story that ended up practically being a parody of itself. Anyways, enjoy! Virtual muffin to whoever catches the reference I threw in there!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars.**

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Kylo Ren's neck prickled as he felt the presence of another person in the room.

"Is this crayon?" R asked from directly behind Kylo's ear, picking up the piece of paper he had been writing on for the past 10 minutes. "What next, you'll be making a homemade card that says 'After the rain comes the rainbow.' or some crap like that?"

"Of course not!" Kylo muttered grumpily in response to the first question. He chose to ignore the second one, since it was just plain weird. Who would write something like that? Not him, for sure. "Why are you in here?" he asked R, just now realizing that she had followed him into his quarters.

R shrugged. "I dunno. I was bored, I guess. Are those ashes?"

Kylo remained quiet, choosing to instead focus again on the piece of paper he held in his hand, having grabbed it back from R.

"What are you working on, anyways?" came a voice directly in his ear.

"If I tell you, will you shut up?"

"Possibly."

He hesitated for a moment. "Fine. After your random questioning yesterday, I realized that I was going about everything all wrong if I want to be just like my grandfather. This is a list of all the things I'll need to do in order to be just like him."

"Let me see." R said, holding her hand out for the list. After Kylo reluctantly gave it to her, she looked it over, stroking her chin.

"Hmm. You're missing a great deal from the beginning of his life, but that's understandable. You've already lived past that in your own life, so you can't do any of those things. For example, you can't just choose to have been born without a father, you can't be a child slave, you can't be trained by a Jedi until you become a Jedi Knight yourself…. are you sure you want to emulate this dude's life? There are some pretty strange things you'd have to do. ….why are you looking at me like that?"

Kylo was peering at her suspiciously. "How do you know all of that? To most people these days, the Jedi are a myth."

R seemed nervous for what was the first time since Kylo first met her. "Ah… you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you… Anyway, why is it that everyone thinks the Jedi are a myth? It hasn't been that long since their fall. Only like 50 some years, right?"

The change of subject was obvious, but Kylo decided to let it be for the moment, deciding to question her further at a later time. Besides, now that he thought about it, why did everyone act like it happened so long ago? It didn't make any sense. He decided that that later time would be now after all, since R seemed to know more about these things than he did, which was strange. She looked to be younger than he was, now that he had actually seen her. She had decided to remove the cloak, stating that 'it was too hot to wear it, and she didn't really care if he knew what she looked like now that she'd snuck into the base already.'

Kylo stared at R, trying to determine the best way to question her. He could just use the force to search her mind, but he didn't feel like putting too much effort into it just for the sake of curiosity. Then again, she could have useful information if she knew so much about many other things.

"Woah, ok. No. If you try to read my mind, I _will_ leave, and I will also leave you to forever be wondering. Just accept that I know these things, ok, and I suppose I'll help you in your little quest thingy."

How had she- Never mind. He decided that he'd get nowhere with questioning everything.

R continued to look over the list that Kylo had written out. "Ok," she began. " Where to start with all of this…. This is going to be more difficult than I thought. Most of these things are dependent on the right circumstances, unless you want to do something like go and find a girl you aren't supposed to be with?"

A stare was the only response he gave to that.

"Didn't think so. Ok, since you've already turned to the dark side, you've skipped basically everything. What you'll have to do now is just…" here R began to scribble out most of the writing. "stay on the dark side until something that the Supreme Leader does puts a member of your family in danger, and then you'll have to kill the Supreme Leader, dying in the process, but returning to the light to then become a force ghost."

"Oh, well if that's all." Kylo said sarcastically.

"Hey, I didn't sign up to listen to sarcasm."

"You didn't sign up at all. You just barged in here."

"Right. But enough of that, you have work to do."

And that he did.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Here is the third chapter! I know it's been a little while, but my dad was putting a new hard drive in my laptop, so I wasn't able to write. Also, I made a very small edit to the last chapter. There's a part where I had R ask for Kylo's list so she could read it, but I realized I never had him take it back from her in the first place!**

 **For anyone who is wondering, this story takes place just before the Force Awakens, so (spoilers!) Han is still alive and the Starkiller base has not been blown up.**

 **R is me, by the way, if you haven't guessed by now.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, or any of the characters in it.**

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Kylo and R were sitting within the confines of a small fort made of pillows and a blanket. The setup was clearly not his idea. R had insisted they build it.

"Is this really necessary?" Kylo asked, giving R a scornful look.

"Is that question really necessary?" was her simple reply. "Yes, the fort is necessary! This is a secret mission, and every secret mission needs a secret base! No one would think to look for you in here!"

Kylo supposed that that was true, though they were still in his quarters. Oh well, he was pretty sure that most of the Stormtroopers thought he was crazy anyways.

"Can we focus on the plan now?" R asked him, not appreciating his derision of the fort.

"Go ahead. If you have any ideas, you're welcome to share. I'm not sure how to go about this whole thing. There's not much I can do on my own."

"Luckily for you," R said with a smirk. "You have me. I will go ahead of you and set everything into place."

"How would you- never mind. No questioning, right?"

"Right. One question though." Here R paused. "Are you willing to put anyone in your family in danger just for this plan? I know you kind of had a falling out, but they're still your family."

"I...don't actually know." Kylo said. "Why do I still care about them after all this time?"

"Well, think of it as a good thing. It means you'll still be able to turn to the light in the end. They do care about you, you know. And also, I just wanted to hear what you would answer to that question. I happen to know that nothing bad will happen to anyone except those who deserve it."

"How can you know that?"

"I just do." R began to chuckle a bit evilly. "Now, I'll be off. I have some work to do. I'll let you know when it's time for you to do your part."

Before Kylo could say anything, she was gone out the door, leaving him to get rid of the fort before someone saw it.

 _Elsewhere..._

The stillness of an empty room was broken as R popped into reality, a small device in her hand.

"Phew, back home!"

R smiled, tossing the device onto a nearby chair. "Hey bro!" she yelled.

A boy near her age walked into the room. "So how did it go, R-"

"Not here! People are reading!"

"Sorry," the boy, who was the author's brother, rolled his eyes. "So how did it go, 'R'? Or do you prefer 'GrantWard'sHipsterGlasses'?"

"It went quite well. I do have a lot of work to do, and I'll need your help!"

The author's brother, who does not have an alias at the moment since the author has not been given one by him, quickly read through the chapters that had been written. "A fort? Seriously?"

"Forts are cool! You like to make them too!"

"True."

 _Back on Starkiller Base..._

"Uh, sir?" an unfortunate random Stormtrooper asked. "Why do you have all those pillows? Did you make a fort?"

Said Stormtrooper was immediately stabbed with a lightsaber. If Kylo wasn't a tough Knight of Ren, he could have cried. Why did R have to do this to him? Sure, he didn't actually mind it. Who didn't mind a perfectly good fort? He'd probably keep it if he didn't have an image to keep up. He couldn't even imagine the ridicule he'd get from General Hux.

Kylo stared at the pile of pillows, deciding to burn them with his lightsaber. It was a way he could be sure no one else would see the fort. As another plus, he could put the ashes in with the rest he had and look even more successful in defeating his enemies.

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 **A/N 2: So that's that! What? It got serious for a moment in there? Yeah, I did insert my brother, as he wanted to be involved. He actually come up with the idea of this fic and he's helped write almost every other parody I've written.  
** **Any way, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I'm sorry there was a bit of a delay, but what can you do? It's funny, because I've noticed over the years that a lot of authors on this site write author's notes about not being able to write because of computer troubles. I didn't think it'd happen to me so quickly!  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: And I'm back! Sorry for the delay. I had a sudden bout of writer's block. I wish I could say that that was something new lol. It also doesn't help that my sister is back from college for the summer and she got me started watching Glee, New Girl, and Sherlock all at once. My mom doesn't really want us watching Glee anymore though, since she was really weirded out by it after watch part of one episode. However, Sherlock has me almost obsessed now, and I'll admit that I've spent the better part of today reading fanfiction. Whoops. I also got like ten books from the library that I have to have read by June 1st. Anyway, I should probably stop rambling and get on to the story!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or any of the characters in it.**

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 **(Time jump to after the events of The Force Awakens)**

Kylo was surprised when he heard that Snoke was actually making a visit to the base. He didn't usually do this; he said that holograms were sufficient for what he needed to do. Kylo was curious, but he was also hesitant to be questioning Snoke, especially after his defeat at the hands of that scavenger girl. What was her name again? He couldn't remember it exactly, only that it began with an R.

Kylo sighed. It seemed like girls who had an R related to their name caused him nothing but trouble. Before R had shown up, he had lived a relatively simple life, just following orders and getting whatever Snoke needed accomplished done. Speaking...er, thinking of R, Kylo hadn't seen or heard from her in a while. Normally he wouldn't care, but with R you never could tell what she could be planning. Oh well, it wouldn't do him any good to think about it. In fact, it'd probably do him harm, since he got a headache every time he tried to figure out what her strange comments meant.

An hour later, Supreme Leader Snoke arrived on the base. Kylo went to greet his master, hesitating as he wondered whether or not to ask him about the reason for his visit.

"No, I don't have a specific reason for being here. I just felt like it and thought it might be good to check on things." Snoke said, surprising Kylo. He then explained his explanation. "I could read it in your face. Your expression said it all."

Snoke then chuckled rather nervously, which did not help Kylo's confusion. Especially since his explanation was a load of crap, considering the fact that Kylo was wearing his helmet and it was literally impossible for his expression to give anything away. He started to wonder if the reason for the visit _was_ simply a spur of the moment decision caused by Snoke losing his mind. Kylo was just beginning to slowly edge away from Snoke when he started to mutter to himself.

"Stupid girl. How did she get that information? I knew I should have killed her when she showed up. Would have, too, if she hadn't disappeared so suddenly!"

Ah, so that explained what R had been up to. Kylo decided it would be best to just pretend he hadn't heard anything.

 **(Elsewhere...)**

"Nice!" D said, highfiving R.

"Ehehehehehe. Power, unlimited power! But seriously, the power that comes with being the author of a parody fic! I was able to write the existence of these!"

Here R held up a collection of pictures, all of Snoke. In one, he was wearing an afro wig and shiny bell-bottoms at a disco. In another, he was crying while watching _The Titanic_.

"This one's my favorite," R said, gesturing to the latter picture. "I even made a video clip. See?"

She got out an iPod Touch and played the video. D gazed in horror and amusement at the sight of Snoke full out sobbing, saying "It's just so beautiful! So tragic!" while blowing his nose. In the background, Stormtroopers could be seen, somehow looking uncomfortable even in their helmets.

R chuckled, rubbing her hands together. "I can't wait to show Kylo. Hopefully he won't say anything around Snoke, because it'd be awfully hard to write a parody fic about a character if he's dead in the story."

At this point, the author realized that even though she had added her brother to the story per his request, she had almost completely left him out of the chapter and thus felt obligated to include him further.

"Thank you," D said. "It's nice to be remembered. Now, onto the next step. I'll take care of that."

With that, they both pressed buttons on their devices and winked out of sight and out of their reality.

 **(New First Order Base)**

Kylo gave a piercing shriek as R appeared next to him. He glared at her as he cleared his throat and straightened his clothes.

"How did you get so high-pitched with the helmet on? I thought it was supposed to make your voice deep." R said, off topic as usual. "Anyway, is Snoke here yet?"

"Yes." Kylo replied, determined to keep her focus where it now was. "I assume you have something to do with that. How, I don't know, and honestly I've given up trying to."

"Good, since you never will. You have, however, earned the right to call me GrantWard'sHipsterGlasses. That's what the majority of people know me as, and it has something to do with how I am able to do the things I do. It's kind of long, though, so call me G.W.H.G. That should be fun for readers to try and pronounce, and I'll get enjoyment out of hearing you try to pronounce it as well."

"What?" Readers? Were they in some kind of story or something? Of course not, how could he have thought that? Stupid.* What kind of name was GrantWard'sHipsterGlasses, anyway?

"Just forget about that last bit and let's try and keep the fourth wall somewhat intact."

G.W.H.G. smirked. "I do want to show you these." She handed over a few items she took out of her cloak.

When Kylo saw the images placed before his eyes, he was torn between laughing and wanting to bleach his brain (whatever bleach was. He didn't know). "How did you get these? And _what_ are these?"

"That's not important. Oh yeah, I guess you wouldn't know what these actually are. Where I come from, we don't have holograms like you do."

She was about to give further explanation when they were interrupted by the sudden appearance of her brother.

Kylo was surprised by the appearance of another strange person and honestly was hoping they were nothing like R- er, G.W.H.G., but he was even more surprised when he saw who was with the stranger.

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 **A/N 2: And... cliffhanger! I can't believe it, my first one! Once again, I am totally sorry about the delay. To be honest, I haven't been entirely sure that I'm happy with how this story is and might go through and edit it some. It would be very helpful if I could get some reviews! I hate to beg, but I would love to even here criticisms just to know what people think of it and if I should change it or if I should leave it how it is.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: So I think I am getting back into the swing of things now that I got past that writer's block! I'm also sort of getting to the part that I imagined that inspired this fic! I'm not 100% satisfied with how it has turned out, but who ever really is? They do say you're your own greatest critic... or something. I may not be remembering that saying correctly. For some reason I remembered the saying "There's more than one way to skin a cat." (Which is actually horrible, btw.) as "There's more than one way to skin a fish." I guess cats and fish are associated. That's just my crap excuse for it though.**

 **On another note, I think I am getting the hang of British English (or what is British English to my best understanding). I was watching Sherlock (love that show) and a guy mentioned something about jumpers. Now,** ** _he_** **was talking about people who commit suicide by jumping in front of trains.** ** _I_** **thought that he meant sweaters, which had me really confused.**

 **Anyway... enough of my rambling. Oh, but do please tell me if you write/know of any stories that have to do with the SNL parody of Undercover Boss/The Force Awakens.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. If I did, you can be assured that there would be no possibility that Kylo Ren and Rey are related. I don't know why I ship them. It's really illogical if you think about it XD.**

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Kylo had assumed that he could expect anything, even the unexpected. He was a Knight of Ren, after all. Apparently his assumption was wrong, as he had not been expecting his mother-no, General Organa. He couldn't think of her that way anymore. She would only hold him back from his true potential- to appear with the new stranger, who ended up being G.W.H.G.'s brother.

G.W.H.G. cleared her throat, breaking the silence that had fallen over the corridor. "So, I guess this means that our job is just about done. Just one more thing..."

With a click of a button, they were all transported to a cliff in the countryside...somewhere. The sun was beginning to set in the distance, throwing a dramatic cast over the sky. It was then that Kylo noticed that Snoke had been teleported there with them.

"Ah, this location suits my purpose perfectly." G.W.H.G. said, placing her hands on her hips, smelling the breeze that was blowing through. "Such drama. So fighting. Much fulfillment."

"What are you, a meme?!" D said to his sister, pulling her along with him as he stepped back from the others. "Now we need to be off. Kylo, I trust you know what you need to do at this point?" he paused, waiting until Kylo nodded to continue. "Good. Our work is finished here, and I heard that there's a good opportunity to mess with things in the MCU. Bye."

With that, the siblings disappeared again, leaving Kylo with Snoke and Leia. The three who were left stared at one another.

Kylo started to reach towards his lightsaber when he was struck with sudden doubt. Was he really going to be able to do this? Snoke was surely far more powerful than he was, and he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of his mother. Yes, he had decided to refer to her as his mother once more. If he was going to be a wimp (even though he really didn't know where these sudden feelings of doubt and insecurity were coming from. It was unnatural, almost like his actions, thoughts, and feelings were being controlled by another being...), he could accept his one remaining parent again. Besides, she looked so old now, so tired. _Just like his father had_ , Kylo thought with a wince.

Upon observing his companions (for lack of a better term) further, Kylo saw that Snoke seemed rather bored with it all. Kylo didn't want to think about what Snoke had to have experienced to not be fazed by this in the slightest. These had been some strange experiences. Leia looked rather blank faced as well, though Kylo could tell she was just hiding her emotions. He knew she was most likely dying to have a lengthy conversation with him, though she would not now because of Snoke's presence.

Surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly- because of a rather small number of scenes with the character in the movie, the author doesn't really know what would be surprising or not), it was Snoke who broke the silence. "There's just no need for all this fuss. I'll contact the First Order and have transportation come for us. Since I am in a generous mood, General Organa, I'll even have you taken to the location of your choice. In the meantime, who wants to play Go Fish?"

Leia and Kylo shrugged, somehow not finding the will to care about how strange all of this was (which furthered Kylo's suspicions that things were not as they seemed). It was only later, when Kylo was alone in his quarters, that everything really sank in. Nearby Stormtroopers would quickly leave the area as they heard the sounds of objects being sliced with a lightsaber. The only quiet moments, though not seen by those Stormtroopers, were when Kylo stopped to make sure that the communicator his mother had slipped him was still intact. He wasn't sure if he would even use it, but he didn't want to break it either. During the moments when the walls were faced with his red blade, Kylo's voice could also be heard, even in the corridors.

"I was so close!" he yelled. "What happened?! I almost fulfilled by quest! Stupid author, she probably just wanted to make the story a bit longer."

"And I thought he was off his rocker before..." AE-2916 commented to his companion, who nodded emphatically in agreement.

On Earth, G.W.H.G. shot up from where she was lounging on the sofa.

"Crap, he finally made the realization that this is a parody!"

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 **A/N 2: I'm not sure how much longer this fic will go on. Probably until I completely run out of ideas for it. To be honest, I already know how I want to finish things, but I'm a bit reluctant to end the story. I do have a companion piece to this in the works that I might post. It's basically moments from what this story would have been if Kylo had decided to live through _everything_ in Darth Vader's life. It was a difficult decision when it came to which direction I would go with this, and I finally decided on the one that I have going in this story now, but the other was just too tempting to forget entirely. I will most likely not post that until it is complete, though. **

**Once again, please review if you have the time! It would be very helpful if I could hear what you readers think of this!**

 **Also, shout out to AntoniaParanoia, who reviewed on the second chapter! I loved hearing from you! Have a virtual muffin, or another dessert/reward if you're not into those. Sorry I didn't get to this before! I hope you have enjoyed the more recent chapters.**


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